learning to value one's self.
Aug. 6th, 2013 10:03 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
hossicoI randomly stumbled upon this (translated) 2chan post from vgperson; it's a short story about the value of one's life. It left such a big impact on me that I felt the need to make a blog entry about my *very* similar situation.
With all honesty, I never valued my life. I was always the typical emo kid back in elementary school and I committed various suicide attempts in high school---I was a complete mess and a total weirdo to most of the people I knew---even to my family. But of course, just like any parents would do, they accepted me wholeheartedly but occasionally told me I was a bit of an oddball. But yes, I'm very fortunate to have an accepting family and a lot of accepting friends in the end. So yes, maybe life wasn't so bad to me after all. Although due to a number of anxieties as I grow older, it's really hard to keep up with life and live a very optimistic one.
When I got into college, I thought I changed for the better. I went through a lot during my elementary to high school days so just before college, I had enough time to repair myself with the help of my friends and family. No, I didn't go to rehab, lol. But I had my own rehab wherein I spent most of my days with people I love and avoided being alone wherein unwanted thoughts can come attacking me out of the blue.
Unfortunately, I still haven't changed complete. I improved a lot compared to before but that suicidal part of me is still here. For the past few years I've been feeling more and more depressed because of a lot of things--- be it simple or not.
Just like Kusonoki in the story, I'm facing similar problems especially dealing with that kind of loneliness. I always feel like I was never important to anyone but a lot of people are important to me. I always depended on a lot of people but I never felt like they were depended on me. I appreciated a lot of people but never felt their appreciation with me. Thoughts like that always occurred to me and it hurt me a lot.
"I was always needing but I wasn't needed" is what I often tell people who take time to actually listen to me.
Last year, I finally had the courage to talk to a guidance counselor in my college. I was in the verge of losing my mind during those days so I had to ask for help already. Even if I wasn't completely talked out of my suicidal personality, I really appreciated her company. She would always ask how was I doing whenever we bump to each other in the corridors---I know it's her job but at least it makes me feel at ease knowing someone actually cares to hear what I can't say to people normally around me. I've always told her how much I wanted to die. When asked why I told her I just feel like I'm not doing anything better with my life anymore and I want to give up completely. She always got to talk me out of it but just as I said, it still didn't make me stop thinking about it.
A few weeks ago I was again thinking of ending my life. I haven't talked to my guidance counselor since summer break started early this year so I was lacking guidance again.
I ended up on this site wherein people share the easiest ways of dying. Some even had posts wherein they ranked methods of suicides by how much time it takes you to die and how much agony you'll feel if you do that kind of suicide method. It was crazy I know. There were also people who sold poison for a reasonable price. Then there were those who posted their last messages saying good luck to everyone who wishes to end their lives since they are already ending theirs. It was a sad sight to be honest. I got all teary eyed when I read some of the comments since they all seemed so hopeless.
When I finished reading "Three Days of Happiness", I literally broke down in tears and thought, "Thank God I am still holding on." I was never religious but I do believe in God and I do believe he gives us these important messages in a way we find it ourselves and realize what he's trying to tell us.
Kusonoki didn't value his life until it was too late. But fortunately he didn't suffer until the end since he finally realized what happiness is.I think this is some of God's way of telling me to stop looking at life with a sour face all the time. Live life to the fullest---as cliche as it may sound.
I'm really thankful I was able to read this wonderful short story. It motivates me to change. Even if changing that suicidal part of me seems hopeless, at least I have this inspiring story in mind so that whenever I feel like ending my life again, I'll just recall the happenings with Kusonoki and Miyagi's lives.
If you have time, please do read it. It's life-changing and will open your eyes to a new perspective in life.
With all honesty, I never valued my life. I was always the typical emo kid back in elementary school and I committed various suicide attempts in high school---I was a complete mess and a total weirdo to most of the people I knew---even to my family. But of course, just like any parents would do, they accepted me wholeheartedly but occasionally told me I was a bit of an oddball. But yes, I'm very fortunate to have an accepting family and a lot of accepting friends in the end. So yes, maybe life wasn't so bad to me after all. Although due to a number of anxieties as I grow older, it's really hard to keep up with life and live a very optimistic one.
When I got into college, I thought I changed for the better. I went through a lot during my elementary to high school days so just before college, I had enough time to repair myself with the help of my friends and family. No, I didn't go to rehab, lol. But I had my own rehab wherein I spent most of my days with people I love and avoided being alone wherein unwanted thoughts can come attacking me out of the blue.
Unfortunately, I still haven't changed complete. I improved a lot compared to before but that suicidal part of me is still here. For the past few years I've been feeling more and more depressed because of a lot of things--- be it simple or not.
Just like Kusonoki in the story, I'm facing similar problems especially dealing with that kind of loneliness. I always feel like I was never important to anyone but a lot of people are important to me. I always depended on a lot of people but I never felt like they were depended on me. I appreciated a lot of people but never felt their appreciation with me. Thoughts like that always occurred to me and it hurt me a lot.
"I was always needing but I wasn't needed" is what I often tell people who take time to actually listen to me.
Last year, I finally had the courage to talk to a guidance counselor in my college. I was in the verge of losing my mind during those days so I had to ask for help already. Even if I wasn't completely talked out of my suicidal personality, I really appreciated her company. She would always ask how was I doing whenever we bump to each other in the corridors---I know it's her job but at least it makes me feel at ease knowing someone actually cares to hear what I can't say to people normally around me. I've always told her how much I wanted to die. When asked why I told her I just feel like I'm not doing anything better with my life anymore and I want to give up completely. She always got to talk me out of it but just as I said, it still didn't make me stop thinking about it.
A few weeks ago I was again thinking of ending my life. I haven't talked to my guidance counselor since summer break started early this year so I was lacking guidance again.
I ended up on this site wherein people share the easiest ways of dying. Some even had posts wherein they ranked methods of suicides by how much time it takes you to die and how much agony you'll feel if you do that kind of suicide method. It was crazy I know. There were also people who sold poison for a reasonable price. Then there were those who posted their last messages saying good luck to everyone who wishes to end their lives since they are already ending theirs. It was a sad sight to be honest. I got all teary eyed when I read some of the comments since they all seemed so hopeless.
When I finished reading "Three Days of Happiness", I literally broke down in tears and thought, "Thank God I am still holding on." I was never religious but I do believe in God and I do believe he gives us these important messages in a way we find it ourselves and realize what he's trying to tell us.
Kusonoki didn't value his life until it was too late. But fortunately he didn't suffer until the end since he finally realized what happiness is.I think this is some of God's way of telling me to stop looking at life with a sour face all the time. Live life to the fullest---as cliche as it may sound.
I'm really thankful I was able to read this wonderful short story. It motivates me to change. Even if changing that suicidal part of me seems hopeless, at least I have this inspiring story in mind so that whenever I feel like ending my life again, I'll just recall the happenings with Kusonoki and Miyagi's lives.
If you have time, please do read it. It's life-changing and will open your eyes to a new perspective in life.
